Austin and Everything After

Holy Schnikes! Today is Day 66 with no alcohol. I still can't believe I've gone this far without it, I can go further! Today is New Year's Eve. I usually start this day---yes, this day--drinking. Then end up at a friend's party, drink till I can't drink anymore. Then spend the rest of tomorrow trying to get over a hangover. That's not how I want to start 2015. Quitting drinking is one of the best decisions I have ever made. I'm going to continue it! I'm breaking my New Year's Tradition by being sober at midnight. I'm actually excited to see how it'll all turn out. And oh my goodness, I'm not making any resolutions. There's no point! Just be a good person, do what you love, and you'll be happy. This is the same dogma we should all be following regardless of the New Year. Anyhoo, I'm looking forward to tonight. Who knows what shenanigans my sober self will encounter?

I'm not quite sure what it is, maybe the cold, gloomy weather is turning my usual sunny and oh so happy demeanor into someone who's heart is made of a lump of coal. Or maybe its the fact that I haven't been my creative self lately. Whatever the case may be, I've got a case of the doldrums. And its not a great place to be. I'm so used to being creative, I crave  creativity. I still have plenty of photos to edit, so there's that. But I need something more. Is it selfish to want more? That being said, and after a wonderful conversation with a dear friend of mine, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I am responsible for my own happiness. No one else. And what exactly makes me happy? Videography, Photography, Exploring, Adventures, and people. So why not do something that combines all of it!! Partnering up with some friends, we are creating a low budget web series featuring everything and anything Austin. The segments will feature a local musician, venue...

This weekend was pretty darn relaxing. Just what I needed. Friday night I was in Belton, stayed in, watched a movie or two, then called it a night. Saturday morning I was working in Belton, but got back into ATX by 3:00pm. Saturday night, I visited my lovely friend Alex, and we binged watched "Seinfeld". Afterwards, I went to a small get together with some friends who I consider family. I got there late and everyone was already pretty drunk. It was hilarious! Still, I resisted peer pressure, and did not drink one sip of alcohol. Saying no has become so much easier! Sunday, I watched "Fury", then spent the evening chatting with a dear photographer friend of mine. We talked of photos, gigs, lenses. I don't know about y'all, but talking about cameras excites me so much! Just like talking about The Beatles, or cinema, or Star Wars! Anyhoo, this person is a very good friend of mine. Long story short, we dated a million years ago, but we are way better off as frie...

Alrighty. So most of you who know me personally know I never really air my dating life online. I still won't give any details about it. I strongly believe that's what friends are for. One thing that has me thinking, though, is the whole idea of relationships. I've been dating since around...lets just say high school. I'm 31 now, with a divorce under my belt. No children. I do have a cat, though. He counts as a child. Anyhoo, I suppose what has me thinking is the whole idea of being in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I love being single. My freedom means the world to me. But once in awhile, I do meet someone that gives me butterflies. This rarely happens. Especially as I've gotten older. But I was recently "talking" to someone---(writer's note, everyone in the world knows what that phrase means..."talking"...I for one think its sort of funny. Trying to decide if its worth  it at all... Anyhoo, let's get back to that point I was ...

This blog entry is not an earth shattering epiphany, an enlightened quote, or a plea for reasoning. The only thing I can even think to write is to say...well..I'm  happy. There's nothing quite like that feeling of not being yourself. It's so easy to get lost in other people's lives, caught up in your own busy one. I have struggled to find a wonderful and beautiful balance this year. Oh 2014. What a year you were. You saw the best of me, the worst of me, and the "me" I've struggled to become. And the "me" I finally am.  That being said, I'm not making any New Year's Resolutions. I never keep them, and they never work out for me. If you would call my quitting drinking a New Year's Resolution...well, I've already got a leg up on the Resolutions. I started my quest to give up drinking on Oct 26th. Christmas is coming up, and it will be exactly 60 days since I've quit drinking. I grow more nervous as the day approaches. And that...

I'm nothing if not an honest person. To a fault, really. My honesty has hurt people and gotten me in trouble. I've even lost friendships over it. I sometimes struggle to find a filter. Should I soften the blow? Will they thank me later? One of the main reasons why I prefer to be honest with people is simply because of pain. I have been lied to. Everyone has. But the lies I have been told are far grander than the "Oh no, you look fine.." when I look like a hot mess. I'm talking about life-changing lies. And the hurt that comes with these lies is unimaginable. I'd rather have my feelings hurt for a brief moment than feel the sting of betrayal. With that said, I'd like to be a little more honest on why I quit drinking. Other than the obvious "I'm getting older and I hate hangovers...", drinking was becoming too easy. And too much fun. I wasn't doing what I wanted to anymore. I spent my days off recovering from having a great time the night...

I just found out someone I used to date a while back lied about the whole reason for ending the relationship. I'm all about moving forward and all. But dang if I'm not a little upset for being lied to. I get it, people break up. It happens. Life happens. But be honest. Don't hide behind good intentions. I'm a big girl, my heart has been through much worse. I just don't like being lied to. Nobody does.  Sorry y'all. I almost never put personal details like this for the world to see. I just don't understand people sometimes. I'm happy to report that feelings are not involved. It's the principle. Don't lie. That's all. 

Its been forever and a day since I have written. Life is busy, life is crazy, and life is....well, its life. Still, that's no excuse to not have my thoughts written down. That is, after all, the whole point of this blog. My online journal. A window to my thoughts, a front row view provided for the world to see. I'm not sure if anyone ever reads this. And that is quite alright with me. When I write words down, I'm able to get all the thoughts racing, fighting, swimming in my head into one platform. Then my mind is at ease. As of late, I have been doing a lot of contemplating. Where my life is going, what I want to do, etc. I don't think anyone ever really has the answer. Instead of trying to find a finite reason of my being,  I decided not to put much thought to it. At least, for now. Maybe the answer to life and all our beings really is just as Douglas Adams says in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. 42. An answer so simple. Its meaning is elementary. DON'T OVER...

My dreams have been more vivid, and they are in color. I won't bore you with all the details, but know this: It's amazing where the mind goes once inspiration hits. Things and ideas you didn't even know were a part of you come to life. And in dreams, anything is possible. Dreams always begin in medias res, almost no one can remember the beginning of dreams. Think of Christopher Nolan's Inception. When dreaming, do you ever remember how you got there? You just...happen. In this chance happening, everything comes to life. For the longest time, I have felt writer's block. But I find myself inspired once again. It may have been Cornelius, it may have been a fellow artist, or it may have been family. Who ever really knows where true inspiration comes from? But once it hits...bam! Like open floodgates, ideas just keep flowing. And right now, it won't stop. I feel as though if my mind and soul were not anchored to my body, they would float away.  Whatever the in...

Its no secret I'm a fan of science fiction. Give me space, time travel, aliens, and robots any day. If I'm in a science fiction binge, that binge will often times transcend into my dreams. Last night was no different. I dreamt of the past, I dreamt of the future, but the present encompassed both past and future. Every version of myself that has ever walked the earth was there. And so were you.  I'm trying to remember all the details, but they are slipping. I hope to dream this dream again. Perhaps my unconscious mind is trying to tell me something?  We shall see. Jacks. 

Captain's Log. Day 28 of no alcohol.  Last night I went to a birthday party. I was worried since there would be alcohol at said party. Old Jackie would rejoice at friends getting together and having a great time drinking. Sober Jackie doesn't want the guaranteed hangovers that are sure to follow after a great time. But I'm very happy I went. I saw my good friend there, hadn't seen that dude in quite some time. You know, the type of friends where months can go by, but it's ok because you've been friends for years, and no matter what, you'll be friends for life. Time and distance mean nothing. Anyhoo, of course I was offered a drink, but I politely declined. I let everyone know what was going on, my whole purpose for not drinking. And I'm so happy with the response. Every single person in my life has been so supportive. So incredibly supportive. I was worried about peer pressure. Instead I got nothing but understanding. Felt neat to say the least.  This mo...

Captain's Log. Day "I forgot but whatever day it is since Oct 26th since I've last had alcohol". I don't mind keeping this up. Anyhoo, that's not what this post is about. I just like to write Captain's Log. There seems to be, for me at least, a sense of wonder. My mind travels far when it's left to wander. Somewhere, everywhere, and nowhere, it seems. I often ponder the meaning of life. And nope! Douglas Adams got it wrong when he included it in, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". It's NOT 42.  Sometimes I think there are no accidents. Sometimes I think life is full of complete and wonderful accidents. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm right where I need to be. There are some folks in my life  I wish I met long before I actually did. How would they affect my life now? It's curious, to say the least. Meeting people is a curiosity too. You never quite know the impact a stranger can have on your life.  Then there are those who you m...

Captain's Log: Day 19 with no alcohol and no Dr. Pepper. I don't know about y'all, but this is a big deal for me. In a progressive city where alcohol flows freely, Brunch with mimosas is a major Sunday event, and live music every night is the equivalent to a good time, its easy to get caught up in the party lifestyle. I can't even remember what my moment of clarity was, but I woke up one morning and decided "I want to try something different." This is by no means a resolution to quit drinking forever. It's more like a "quit drinking for now" phase. And its surprisingly easy. If anything, I miss Dr. Pepper. Sweet, sweet, nectar of the Gods Dr. Pepper. I'm still down for live music and hanging out. But I don't want to fight hangovers anymore. Yuck. No more eating breakfast tacos and drinking Dr. Pepper at a restaurant with sunglasses on. Not very glamorous. But hey, its time to be honest with myself. Partying has a shelf life. Do I stil...

You know, I'm on Day 15 of No Alcohol November (and no fast food , Dr. Pepper, or Coffee), and I feel like a million bucks. I had every intention to stop drinking and indulging on bad choices for a month, but I'm so loving how my body feels. Now I want to see how long I can go without these earthly pleasures. I had a moment of clarity, I suppose that's the right term. And in that moment of clarity, I thought of all the pros and cons of my drinking habits. Let me preface this by saying, no--I'm not an alcoholic. I just so happen to live in a city where there is always something to do every single day. And those "something to do's" almost always involve getting a drink. It may be one or a few here or there. Or I may not drink at all. The point is, its VERY EASY to drink every day here.  Since I've stopped drinking, I've worked out more, spent more time on myself, spent more time with friends, spent more time on work, spent more time with Cornelius...

Today's run at Towne Lake was wonderful. Parking was a bummer. The combination of festivals and the influx of folks moving here make the race for a parking spot so tedious. But it's so worth it. I'm a huge fan of the outdoors, so running and hiking make me happy. Nature is just so gorgeous. Anyhoo, there's these two swans that live on the lake, they're such assholes! Every time I see them they are bullying the other ducks around them. And I'm no fan of bullies. I feel bad for the ducklings, all they want is food. But noooo. Greedy ass birds. Ah well, such is life, yes? This post is not a major life epiphany or a long one. Although I must say, 14 days of no alcohol, coffee, or Dr. Pepper has got me feeling great. I usually just do this for a month, but now I want to see how far I take it! Dun dun dun...stay tuned folks! Jacks

Well dang. 10 whole days without alcohol and I feel like a new person. I even turned down free Lonestar last night....FREE LONESTAR! Let that sink in a moment. I'm not giving up drinking permanently, this is just something I do once a year for about a month. I focus more on my health, my head clears, priorities in life come into place, etc. etc. I even do this with 420. (come on, no surprise there, and no shame, either.) I do this for no one but myself. There is this one person in my life (her name will remain anonymous), who brought to my attention: "Jackie, you are so pretty, can you imagine how much more beautiful you'd be if you didn't drink?" Of course, the joker that I am replied, "Did you just call me pretty?" I tried to make light of the situation. This person drinks about 2 times a year, if at that. Owns a home, a mother, a wife, etc. That is not the life I live. I am not a mother, or a wife. Obviously if I WAS married, it would be with someon...

If you are reading this, I'm assuming you and I have spent some time together, somewhere down the line. And in that time together, I'm hoping I was able to show you my humorous side. I joke around---a lot. I'm terrible at telling jokes, I always get the punch line wrong. I'm like Marlin in "Finding Nemo". I'm a clownfish who isn't funny. But...boy do I love my sarcastic one-liners. And I love it when I get sarcasm back in return. It's said that one who understands sarcasm and wit has a sharp mind. And there's nothing sexier than intelligence and humor.  That being said, I felt like coming out of my shell today. I have this thing about masks. It's weird, I know, and it's so hard to explain. Whenever I wear a mask, it's like I'm a different person, someone stronger, someone bolder, someone who is not afraid to take risks. And bottom line, I'm so fascinated by them. I didn't buy this for Halloween, I already had it. I have ...

Watched Casablanca  again today.  Can you imagine if folks today spoke like the characters did in Casablanca?  How incredible would that be?  I've always wanted to say... "Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, he walks into mine." Instead of he,  I'm gonna say you,  and I'll say it to someone! That's it, I'm gonna do it! I almost always back down from doing outrageous things. I've never been the first to approach or make the first move.  I don't know, I suppose it's the fear of rejection. Anyhoo, next time I go out on the town, and I spot someone cute walk by, I'll say that line, see what happens. Chances are I'll get the "huh?" Face, and that's ok. It's still funny!  I know it doesn't sound risqué or outrageous, but it certainly is my idea of fun. I'm going to a show Friday, I'll  do it there.  I suppose any cinephile is looking for her modern day Bogart. 

I went hiking at the Greenbelt with a dear friend of mine today. After waking up and realizing that I wanted to be productive today, I made my way over to the trail. The Greenbelt is huge! My entrance of choice is right where 360 meets Mopac. And it was just the right kind of weather for a day outdoors. We hiked, and we hiked, and we hiked some more. Austin is beautiful this time of year. I'm not big into hunting or fishing, but I love nature. There is this one spot I like to go to, and I was lucky enough to find it today. Sometimes I like to take my shoes off and wade in the water (no surprise there, I only wear shoes when I have to). I happened upon a tiny waterfall. It wasn't anything huge or spectacular, but it made me think. The world is so big and life can be so hectic, but in that moment, when the water rushed over the rocks and ledges, I felt a sense of serenity. Nothing mattered. It was as if I was in a different world, a world free from migraines and stress. A world w...

When your body tells you to slow it down, do you always listen? This week so far has been not that great for me. The migraine really did a number on me. Luckily, I had my Cornelius. I don't ever want to feel like that again, so I'm doing this thing where I'm taking better care of myself. Not like a cleanse or anything. More like a self imposed detox. I made a list of my vices and guilty pleasures (seriously, i did a pros and cons list) and decided I could really benefit from this. Starting November 1st, and for a month, well, until my cousin's wedding the day after Thanksgiving, (easier for me to keep track of dates), no Dr. Pepper ( i don't drink any other type of soda, this is my addiction) no coffee (green tea to get me going!) no Whataburger (my weakness, and there is one right across the street!)  and no alcohol. Well isn't this something! I decide to quit drinking for a month, a co-worker surprises me with a very expensive bottle of Italian wine. Universe,...

I've been in bed for two whole days with a migraine. What gives? I'm just now starting to feel better. My room has been dark and cold, all the true makings of an opening scene of a horror film, save for a cat (a one Cornelius), who roams the apt with not a care in the world. At least he's good company, and great entertainment to boot. I honestly don't even know where my thoughts have gone for two whole days. There were no thoughts, only pain in my head and my neck. Not fun, I'll tell you what. Even getting up to shower was a task in itself. I suppose it's my own bodies' way of wanting me to take it easy. I feel cut off from the rest of the world, and it felt great. My life batteries have been recharged. Rather than taking on a million things at once, maybe a "one thing at a time" approach is best. I certainly needed the rest.  I'm done being bored. I'm planning an adventure this week. Saturday afternoon I'm going on a hike at The Greenb...

There are no words to describe yesterday's wedding. I was so nervous, I couldn't sleep. I rented this lens on the advice of another photographer friend (it's important to trust people who know their lenses, one of the benefits of having photogs as friends) and this lens did kit let me down. The whole ceremony, I was carrying it around as if it were my child.  I drove the groom to the ceremony, reminiscent of when I drove my Bro to hers. It's a special kid of feeling being a huge part of the Big Day. The wedding was on a location in Southwest Austin. It was so beautiful, the view was amazing. If I ever get married, i wouldn't mind that view one bit. Except I would be barefoot. I hate wearing shoes. Anyhoo, the moment I was hoping to capture came out wonderfully, it was when the groom saw the bride for the first time. I teared up throughout the whole thing. I couldn't help it! I was there the night these two met, and I've been a big part of their journey. Almo...

The words in the title are not my own. But it's something I stand for and live by, at least, I try to. I've mentioned before in previous blogs that I went through a pretty bad break up this year. I've never spoken publicly about the details, and I never will. If you are a close friend of mine, you already know everything. I'm not one to air dirty laundry online. But if you are involved in my life pretty often, you really know  everything. The reason for my mentioning the break up is to talk about what happened after.  I was broken, an empty shell of my former self. And that was not me. Not the me I want to be anyway. It took me longer than I hoped for to bounce back. And I'm not sure exactly when the moment happened, or what exactly led up to said moment, but one morning I woke up, and my heart was no longer sad. Maybe it's the combination of family, friends, Cornelius, and shooting again. Whatever it was, it worked. I leaned on a lot of people for emotional sup...

"I hear babies cry, and I watch them grow. They'll learn much more than we'll know. And I think to myself: What a wonderful world..." It's amazing what a little human being can do. I'm so excited to be a Tia! I already am so in love with this new creature. I'll tell you what though, there is a little special someone who has taught me more about caring for others in her short life than anyone I know. Her name is Mouse (real name is protected, you know.) Some of you might know her, and lucky you! I know parents gush about their children all the time. Seriously, spend 5 minutes with this little person, she'll change your life! She can help you see the world through a different set of eyes: kind eyes, innocent eyes, eyes full of hope and wonder. And this I promise you: you will fall in love with life again. Mouse came into my life unexpectedly. I did not spend a whole lot of time with her in her first year (something I deeply and will always regret),...

Well, I'm just a blogging fool. This outlet feels so great. I'm an extrovert by nature, but sometimes my thoughts get in my way. Sometimes I can't say what I really want to. Honesty is a very scary thing. Can you imagine a world where everyone was 100% honest with each other? Total anarchy. In my world, if I was completely honest, I would have the courage to say "no" more often, and I would tell the person I have a crush on that I have feelings for him. I don't think I'm ready just yet for the repercussions of my honesty. Thank goodness we don't live in such a world. I'm not condoning little white lies (are lies ever really just white?), but I understand the reasons why one person would not be honest with another person. Would you be able to handle the brutal honest truth? Can you ask someone, "What do you think of me, tell me, honestly.." and be okay with their response? Honestly, (see what I did there?) I don't think I could handl...

Sometimes I wish I wasn't an emotional person. I'm passionate, wear my heart on my sleeve, and cry at the most inopportune times. When I love, I love deeply. When I'm happy, my endorphins are off the chart.  It's exhausting really. As I mentioned, sometimes I wish I wasn't an emotional person. Sometimes I wish I was a robot---devoid of any human emotion. Today is not one of those days. I received wonderful news today. I'm going to be a Tia! (an Aunt for all my non Spanglish speaking friends) Holy Schnikes!!! This baby will be the first of the next generation. None of us have children. This new baby will be making my Mother a Grandmother for the first time ever. Needless to say, I cried a few tears of joy. There hasn't been a new baby in our family for many years. And my youngest brother is changing that. It was a running joke in our family, "so and so will be the first to have a kid" (insert uncomfortable laugh). I myself don't have any child...

My dreams are growing more vivid with each passing night. Although I'm sure no one reads this, I dare not write them down. It is private, way too private than I care to admit. I learned so much of my true nature with these dreams that keep my mind awake. Almost none of it surprised me. When the night is dark and all you have are your thoughts, your mind travels to places you most certainly never speak of. Some dark thoughts, and some light, but never any spoken. It is there I begin to dream...

I wonder if anyone reads this. I sort of like the mystery behind a blog. It's open, very public, and a window into your thoughts, laid out for the entire world to read. It's fascinating to say the least. If you're reading this, blink once for yes. (I really hope you blinked!)  Anyhoo, this little snippet is very personal. I almost don't want to write anything. But the whole purpose of this whole thing is to write my random thoughts down. But I digress.... It's a scary thing, cancer. A close friend's mother, who became like a second mother to me, had been sick for a very long time. She had already beaten a different cancer once. Breast cancer was just something else we were going to have to beat. Let's get treatment, then boom! No more cancer. But this one was different, more aggressive than the other. Treatment would be more expensive too. Ok fine, let's do this. I set up an online fundraiser, and the family helped her qualify for some programs that help...

My home in Austin, TX. When I say this is my sanctuary, I mean just that. This is where I come to clear my mind, recharge my life batteries, visit with friends, learn music, or play with my cat. Everything about me is right here in this living room. I have grown as a person, right on that chair where the guitar sits. The first part of this year was not so kind to me (terrible breakup, took me awhile to get over), but the second part saw me with a new roommate, a new job, a new home, and a new found passion for my musical and creative side. So join me, whenever you can, and we'll be creative together! I feed off the energy of positive people. I'm just that kind of gal.

There are moments where I am not cool, calm, and collected. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to say what I am feeling, what I am thinking, or what I wish I could do. Words may escape me, but with music, that just isn't so. Music gives me the courage to speak up. Music encourages, music brightens up my day, and allows my heart to sing. If I ever play music around you, know that you make me comfortable, make me happy, and I thank you so much for that. Jacks

Learning to play the ukelele has been a lifelong goal for me. The instrument is simple, the sounds oh so sweet. No complications, just plain ol music. A strum here and a strum there, pretty soon those strums because songs, those lyrics become melodies. The inner workings of your mind and a few hums and la dee das can brighten up just about any dark day. As for me, I have all the more reason to sing these days. I sing when I'm happy and I'm exactly that. 

Welcome. To the inner workings of mind, however random they may be. I'm starting this blog because I love to write, not in any traditional sense. I just have too much to say and sometimes the best ideas come to me when I have no way of writing them down. Rather than risk forgetting them forever, I've created this photoblog. I'll start by talking of my love of Austin, TX. The city where I found happiness, and most importantly, myself. And of course my adventures, restaurants and food I like, music venues, artist friends, or just anything that stands out to me and makes me smile. So how about 7-11, amiright? I live right across the street from one, and I work right across the street from one. Seriously, I don't know how I lived so long without this convenience store in my life. I'm not a morning person at all, and but I'm so grateful for their early morning coffee and deals on bananas when I forget to make breakfast in the morning. Pretty convenient for a ...