Cancer sucks.

I wonder if anyone reads this. I sort of like the mystery behind a blog. It's open, very public, and a window into your thoughts, laid out for the entire world to read. It's fascinating to say the least. If you're reading this, blink once for yes. (I really hope you blinked!) 

Anyhoo, this little snippet is very personal. I almost don't want to write anything. But the whole purpose of this whole thing is to write my random thoughts down. But I digress....

It's a scary thing, cancer. A close friend's mother, who became like a second mother to me, had been sick for a very long time. She had already beaten a different cancer once. Breast cancer was just something else we were going to have to beat. Let's get treatment, then boom! No more cancer. But this one was different, more aggressive than the other. Treatment would be more expensive too. Ok fine, let's do this. I set up an online fundraiser, and the family helped her qualify for some programs that help pay portions of treatments. How awesome! So we got the money for the treatments, right on! Let's just get this over with, kick cancer in the butt, and laugh about all this later! "Hey so and so, remember when you beat cancer? Crazy huh?"

But this one was different. Stage 2 became Stage 3. The family gave me updates on her health all the time. Then I got the "Jack, she's in the emergency room," text. I call. The voice on the other end is calm, caring, and scared. "Is she in pain? Is she scared? Tell her everything is going to be ok." "Jack, she's in pain..."

During the day, I received one text, two words, and my world changed forever. "She's gone." My mind became blank as my heart fell from my chest. No. This isn't happening. This is a bad dream. I'm going to wake up and you're going to apologize for saying such a bad joke. I drove to my sister's apartment, knocked on her door, and waited. "Keep it together, Jackie..." I kept repeating over and over in my mind. Sister answered the door, I take two steps before I collapse on the ground in tears. My sister and I held each other as we cried. We knew we had to help the family. We can do this. It's not real. This didn't happen. 

But it's real. We drove back to the valley the very next day to help with funeral arrangements. I wrote the obituary and the eulogy. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And her family was so strong. Every now and again someone would break down. But they were so strong. Each person had their own wonderful story about this beautiful person. The rosary was beautiful, the service was beautiful, and she was beautiful. The money raised for her medical treatments was used for her funeral instead. 

After everything was said and done, we didn't know what to do. How do you continue? Where do you go? Since May 6th we have been asking that question. 

One thing I learned from losing a close loved one is that every single day is a gift. I would give anything to hear her laugh one more time. Not just that, just to be near her, hear her, hug her. I'm just happy I got the chance to know her, and I became family. I miss her everyday.

And to you, if you read this, do me a favor please? Tell a story. If you have lost someone to cancer, tell THEIR story. Tell about how wonderful they were, and how much they were loved. Keep their memory alive. You are you because of them. 

I don't mean to share so much, but she deserves this. I miss you, I love you, and I hope I have made you proud.

Jacks.