I'm nothing if not an honest person. To a fault, really. My honesty has hurt people and gotten me in trouble. I've even lost friendships over it. I sometimes struggle to find a filter. Should I soften the blow? Will they thank me later? One of the main reasons why I prefer to be honest with people is simply because of pain. I have been lied to. Everyone has. But the lies I have been told are far grander than the "Oh no, you look fine.." when I look like a hot mess. I'm talking about life-changing lies. And the hurt that comes with these lies is unimaginable. I'd rather have my feelings hurt for a brief moment than feel the sting of betrayal. With that said, I'd like to be a little more honest on why I quit drinking.
Other than the obvious "I'm getting older and I hate hangovers...", drinking was becoming too easy. And too much fun. I wasn't doing what I wanted to anymore. I spent my days off recovering from having a great time the night before. I want to enjoy my days, be proactive and productive. I don't want to be "that" girl. Partying was fun and great, but it has a shelf life. Do I really want to be the 42 year old woman with no children, just my cat Cornelius, sitting at a bar on a Tuesday night with not a care in the world? That doesn't sound attractive at all. Alcoholism runs in my family. I'm sure my family is not the only one. But nonetheless, its true. Drinking just came naturally. I'm not sure if I would ever call myself an alcoholic, but I was sure on my way. I wanted to stop while I still can.
Before I quit drinking, my friend asked me "Can you go to a bar or a party and not drink?" My answer..."no". And then it hit me. I couldn't stop. I literally almost had a panic attack thinking about it. How could I let it get this far? Then I started recognizing a pattern. I realized I almost never spoke the truth when it came to drinking. My family or friends would ask how much I drank the night before, and I always scaled it back. I never admitted exactly how much I drank. Why was I hiding it? Was I afraid of being judged? Afraid of letting down the very people who respect and look up to me? Those who know me, I hope, respect me. And I hid the weakest part of me. I have this image I wanted to portray, of this strong, independent woman who had her life together. And I didn't want my drinking to destroy what took years to build up.
But if I want to be honest with people, I need to be honest with myself. Yes, I am an alcoholic. Quitting drinking is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. The decision to not drink is a struggle everyday. I consciously remove myself from situations where I know I could very well and easily indulge. To be frank, this admission is very hard for me. I was almost embarrassed to admit the true reason behind it. I am not supposed to be this person, an alcoholic. I'm supposed to be this happy person with a bright future and a plan. For the most part, I am. And I couldn't even tell you the moment I realized drinking was taking too much of a toll on me. My family and closest friends noticed it before I did. They would bring it to my attention, and I would change the change the subject, become defensive, or straight out rude. I was a different person, a person who I didn't like.
Since I have quit drinking, I immediately noticed a change. I didn't feel as tired as I usually do. I was able to enjoy my weekends, spend days exploring this beautiful city I feel in love with years ago. My skin has cleared up. And I feel so so much better. I have more energy now, and I feel more focused than I have in years.
Looking back over the years, I now realize how much I drank. I started in my late teens. I'm 31 now. I drank frequently and I drank often. I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but chances are, if you are reading this, I have shared a few drinks with you. No one made the decision but me. I take responsibility for all of my actions. For the most part, I have been shown more kindness, love, and support than I could ever anticipate. I can't thank you enough for that. And...there have also been people who completely stopped contacting me. I guess I was "that" girl to them. That is perfectly okay. I portrayed myself in such a way.
I suppose this blog is to admit to myself that yes, people can easily fall. Alcoholism can rear its ugly head when you least expect it. Rather than wait for a rock bottom, I wanted to quit before it got too late. I don't want to do something I will regret for the rest of my life. I'm hoping this admission will inspire others. The decision is yours and yours alone. But I will be here to help along the way, if I can. So here's to new beginnings. A happy and sober life.
Other than the obvious "I'm getting older and I hate hangovers...", drinking was becoming too easy. And too much fun. I wasn't doing what I wanted to anymore. I spent my days off recovering from having a great time the night before. I want to enjoy my days, be proactive and productive. I don't want to be "that" girl. Partying was fun and great, but it has a shelf life. Do I really want to be the 42 year old woman with no children, just my cat Cornelius, sitting at a bar on a Tuesday night with not a care in the world? That doesn't sound attractive at all. Alcoholism runs in my family. I'm sure my family is not the only one. But nonetheless, its true. Drinking just came naturally. I'm not sure if I would ever call myself an alcoholic, but I was sure on my way. I wanted to stop while I still can.
Before I quit drinking, my friend asked me "Can you go to a bar or a party and not drink?" My answer..."no". And then it hit me. I couldn't stop. I literally almost had a panic attack thinking about it. How could I let it get this far? Then I started recognizing a pattern. I realized I almost never spoke the truth when it came to drinking. My family or friends would ask how much I drank the night before, and I always scaled it back. I never admitted exactly how much I drank. Why was I hiding it? Was I afraid of being judged? Afraid of letting down the very people who respect and look up to me? Those who know me, I hope, respect me. And I hid the weakest part of me. I have this image I wanted to portray, of this strong, independent woman who had her life together. And I didn't want my drinking to destroy what took years to build up.
But if I want to be honest with people, I need to be honest with myself. Yes, I am an alcoholic. Quitting drinking is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. The decision to not drink is a struggle everyday. I consciously remove myself from situations where I know I could very well and easily indulge. To be frank, this admission is very hard for me. I was almost embarrassed to admit the true reason behind it. I am not supposed to be this person, an alcoholic. I'm supposed to be this happy person with a bright future and a plan. For the most part, I am. And I couldn't even tell you the moment I realized drinking was taking too much of a toll on me. My family and closest friends noticed it before I did. They would bring it to my attention, and I would change the change the subject, become defensive, or straight out rude. I was a different person, a person who I didn't like.
Since I have quit drinking, I immediately noticed a change. I didn't feel as tired as I usually do. I was able to enjoy my weekends, spend days exploring this beautiful city I feel in love with years ago. My skin has cleared up. And I feel so so much better. I have more energy now, and I feel more focused than I have in years.
Looking back over the years, I now realize how much I drank. I started in my late teens. I'm 31 now. I drank frequently and I drank often. I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but chances are, if you are reading this, I have shared a few drinks with you. No one made the decision but me. I take responsibility for all of my actions. For the most part, I have been shown more kindness, love, and support than I could ever anticipate. I can't thank you enough for that. And...there have also been people who completely stopped contacting me. I guess I was "that" girl to them. That is perfectly okay. I portrayed myself in such a way.
I suppose this blog is to admit to myself that yes, people can easily fall. Alcoholism can rear its ugly head when you least expect it. Rather than wait for a rock bottom, I wanted to quit before it got too late. I don't want to do something I will regret for the rest of my life. I'm hoping this admission will inspire others. The decision is yours and yours alone. But I will be here to help along the way, if I can. So here's to new beginnings. A happy and sober life.
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